The long and the short of it
It's a trifle ironic—and oddly appropriate—that more and more men are subjecting their bodies to the same desperate measures that women have used for so long, just to measure up to an unnatural standard of beauty.
That's unnatural, literally. Never mind the quest for more hair to cover up perfectly normal male-pattern baldness, a cosmetic conceit entirely. Wink at the hours spent heaving and grunting at the gym or pounding away at miles of pavement; as long as the effort doesn't lapse into narcissism or an eating disorder, at least it's relatively healthy.
But a quick ogle at Google turns up 2,630,000 websites for "penile enlargement" and no fewer than 5,130,000 for "penis enlargement forums." Seems an awful lot of men are squeezing, jelquing, slapping, stretching, weighting, massaging, and pumping their puds. Not to mention steroidally medicating, hormonally rejuvenating, vitamin fortifying, herbally supplementing, and otherwise doing their damnedest to defy Mother Nature.
This isn't because they need to be bigger, nor because their tools are tiny. (More than 70 percent of men have penises between 5 and 7 inches when erect.) However, for the truly determined, and not for the faint of heart, here's a rundown of methods guys use to try and bully their members into immensity.
• Manual stretching or squeezing (jelquing). "Pull your penis directly out in front of you until you feel a good stretch in the middle of your penis and at the base. Hold this stretch for a 10-count and repeat three more times. Now slap your penis against your leg about 50 times to get the blood back in where you have been squeezing."
Jelquing (milking) means squeezing blood into the semi-erect penis to engorge and enlarge the erectile tissue.
Manual exercises are supposed to be performed 30 minutes a day for an indefinite period of time. Although they may be safer than other methods, they can lead to scar formation, pain and disfigurement. You can buy the instructions for a complete workout for around US$40.
• Visualization. "Focus on the size you want it to be." Well, beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.
• Hypnosis. Whether this is a matter of attitude adjustment or, as one hypnotist claimed, actually stimulates hormone production, is certainly a matter for debate. US$150 an hour is ballpark.
• Hot compresses stimulate blood flow. But then, so does sex.
• Stretching with weights. Yep, guys hang weights from their dicks. Evidently this has been going on for a couple thousand years, at least. You can find tales of sadhus in India who weight their penises until they stretch to as much as 18 inches and need to be tied in a knot for convenience. Some of these ascetics supposedly tie 100-pound weights to their cocks and throw the weight off a cliff. (Of course, those guys renounced sex years ago.) One enlightened website sells a metal splint, which is inserted into the penis and pulled down with weights to provide several weeks of effortless stretching.
A major problem with this technique is that, as the thing lengthens, it also gets skinnier—much like pulling on a wad of chewing gum. It's also likely to cause permanent damage, such as eliminating any possibility of a hard-on. Of course, any length gained from stretching shows only when the penis is flaccid anyway.
• Vacuum pumps. Because pumps draw blood into the penis and make it swell, they're useful in the treatment of impotence (erectile dysfunction). This may create an illusion of a larger penis, but results are seldom permanent, and repeated use can damage elastic tissue, leading to softer erections. Pumps can cost as much as $400 for an electric one. Some men have tried vacuum cleaners, which are cheaper but can cause even more damage.
• Pills and lotions. These usually contain vitamins, minerals, herbs, or hormones, such as testosterone. Although topical testosterone is sometimes used on adolescent boys to accelerate puberty, there's no evidence that it (or any other substance) can increase penis size in adults. There's always the possibility that a pill is nothing more than a placebo, and sometimes purveyors refuse to honor their money-back guarantee.
In the end, the only evidence that any of these methods can perform at all is anecdotal at best. How can you tell if testimonials and before-and-after photos are the real deal? The truth is, no reputable scientific research validates any type of nonsurgical penis enlargement.
Of course, if reports of men applying angry, stinging wasps, or hot mustard, or poison ivy to their organs are a mite too . . . intense . . . to take seriously, how about the knife?
No, really. At least a doctor will be present.