One Man’s Thinking
The other day I came across a statement made from a man that caught my eye so much that I emailed him and asked him if I may borrow it, to use it anonymously, in an article. He said yes and with that, here is what he wrote, in its entirety:
“Sometimes I'd like something more meaningful than just a booty call. I'm not saying I need to fall in love or anything but every now and then I'd like sex to be love-making and not just about getting off. But somehow I think if I express that emotional side most women will see it as needy or clingy, when in fact, it's just about making a connection during one of the most intimate things two people can do together. I understand that a lot of times we're only craving a physical release (with proper assistance from a partner) but there are those times when I seek something more loving.” He then ended it with this question of: “Is this wimpy of me?”
My mind had already gone ahead to the assumption this was written by a young man barely out of his teens, barely skimming his early twenties: someone who had gone through his teenage years just getting laid and giving little thought to his partner; and who was now, just plainly, maturing.
I can’t tell you the surprise and shock I felt when I read that he was in his late forties.
Being in my forties myself, I am more than taken aback by his thought process. With all the women he has befriended, worked with, hung around with or been involved with over the years, what is the basis for this fear that he might be considered wimpy if he expresses an obvious longing for a heartfelt connection?
So many men-too many men-consider it unmanly to acknowledge to themselves, much less say out loud, that they have the same feelings that we women do-vulnerability, loneliness, the desire to express love as well as be loved-and it works so much against them. We’re all made of flesh and bone: we all have a heart and soul and mind. Whoever said that being a man meant being an island onto one’s self? That’s not manliness: that’s a recipe for isolation and depression and sometimes, even violence. Feelings can’t stay buried forever.
When I re-read this man’s statement of: “I understand that a lot of times we're only craving a physical release (with proper assistance from a partner)...” I want to tell him that what he considers sex is really only masturbation with some assistance. To make the jump from this perception to lovemaking, I think, will be a struggle for him. He is going to have to learn how to open up his heart first. But I have hope. I have hope because he asked the question and that tells me he’s hungry for something more, which truly can be the beginning of something new and wonderful for him.