Married Men and Me
The words “I don’t want to sleep with a married man” is not the same as “There have been married men that I would have liked to sleep with.”
There’s a big, big difference.
I have always felt guilty and like such a bad person whenever the thought used to, or sometimes still does, cross my mind if there’s a married man standing in front of me whom I am attracted to. I feel even worse if it happens to be the husband of a friend of mine (always off limits, by the way.) I try very hard to ignore the attraction that I feel and tell myself that it is just a symbol of something lacking within my own life that is misguiding me, and so far, I’ve been right.
But there are still times that I daydream about someone, sometimes far too often than is healthy, and I find that I can grow disgusted with myself for spending way too much time thinking about something that is not going to happen and that should probably not happen in the first place. It would be far better for me to channel my energy into discovering and doing the things (following through with them) that have always interested me, instead of trying to get my love life going first.
I did have an affair with a married man when I was very young and let me tell you, I felt awful when she found out. Yes, she came home. Ouch.
I’ve never repeated that mistake.
There’s a woman I’ve known vaguely for the past couple of years by face only. She’s always come across as fragile and easily wounded, of very high moral standards and spirituality. To hear her say that she’s been having an affair with a married man for the past four years and it’s been fabulous the whole time (he’s sweet, caring, affectionate)- completely through me for a couple of reasons. Other than much curiosity on how she perceives this relationship in her life (“it’s been her best one,” she says), would you believe underneath ran the thought through my mind of: “How come she gets to have that?”
Okay, so where does this leave me? As always, trying to balance the right and wrong, yin and yang out of everything. What does that get me? A lot of thinking and not enough action. Round and round my thinking goes and in the meanwhile, any contacts I make I ignore when it comes to actually meeting a married man. What can I tell you? As long as I feel weird or anxious, I have to choose on the side of caution. I can no longer afford to put myself in a position where I am going to feel bad about myself in any way. Too many of us have done that and its time we take care of ourselves.
Does this mean I couldn’t be tempted one day? (Sigh)..of course not. But I can still daydream, right?