Curb Unrealistic Expectations
As I grow older, it is interesting to me to see how many people in their thirties, forties, fifties and beyond, still hold the attitude of hoping that their life will change by their meeting someone.
Now, of course, meeting someone new whom you feel a connection with, will obviously add something to your life. But there are people, many, many people, who come to the personals with the hope that the “someone new” will somehow make their life better, no matter what their home and life circumstances are at the moment.
Let’s say you’re married and you’ve been sexually and affectionately ignored for a long while from your partner. Perhaps he or she is telling you that he or she loves you but his or her actions say something else. For whatever reason, you don’t feel loved or even much cared for; and after a long period of thought, you decide to either place a personal ad or browse through and answer one. It is your underlying thought that if another man or woman could find you attractive, that maybe you could not only show your partner that they are wrong in a quiet “fuck you” kind of way, but maybe, also, you’ll feel something that just might feel good. And it won’t count, of course, because if he or she had paid attention to you in the first place, you wouldn’t have to be searching outside of home for it.
The mistake that many people make in this kind of thinking is the unrealistic expectation that you are unconsciously pinning on your new “friend.” He or she may indeed give you a few hours here and there of respite from the uncomfortable feelings that you live with on a daily basis; but the new person isn’t going to be able to take them away for you. Once the “fun” is up, you still have to go home; and believe me when I tell you that the feelings that you are trying to soothe away will slowly rise to the surface again within a short period of time.
Is it hopeless, then?
No, it isn’t hopeless. But it can feel that way alot of the time. It is a common experience for the person who has had their inner self-worth and self-esteem slowly chipped at, to feel that they are stuck and trapped in a totally hopeless situation. It is also a common experience for one to search for someone new to restore to them that confidence. But again, this is only a temporary distraction that takes the focus away from the problem.
My suggestion is to be very clear on who you are trying to meet and why; and then keep your expectations at a minimum. Don’t expect the new person to sweep you off your feet or be Mr. Perfect or Ms. Right, or to change your life in any long-lasting, far-reaching kind of way. It’s not fair to them and really, its not fair to you.