Reminiscing about Past Partners
The older I get, the less I like hearing about all the rules that are publicized for men and women to do to get along with one another in relationships. The ones I take the most exception to are the ones that give a list of how women and men should act, behave and speak (not to mention wear) in order to attract the opposite sex. But there are, shall we say, errors we often make in our relationships that do have a negative impact within our present relationships. That error is the too-often references made to your old partner (be it girlfriend/boyfriend or ex wife or ex-husband.) No one wants to hear about all the good times that were had by the two of you in days gone by.
Sure, in the beginning we listened to one another speak about the good times as well as the bad times with our former loves when we are first becoming involved with someone new; but over time, its gets tiresome, boring and rather uncomfortable hearing the stories of way back when.
At first, most of us will smile and nod and even make inquiries as to what happened in that relationship that is now defunct, but as the present relationship grows, I assure you that interest in “the other” loses its appeal quickly.
First of all, if you’re the one listening to these references, you start wondering: “What about me?” A natural, normal feeling it is to feel slightly off-balance in the secure feeling that you are being loved in the now. Does this person know that he or she is making constant references to their past partner? If not and you’ve kept quiet about it until now, you’d better start speaking up, though I have to warn you that oftentimes when you do, the person who has been doing the referencing to the person in the past might take offense. Oftentimes their response is: “Well, this is what happened to me.”
“Yes it is,” you could say quietly, “but I am here with you now and I really don’t want to hear anymore about all the good and bad times that you two experienced. I’d rather hear you make some references to us-like maybe some good times that we’ve shared together. That would make me feel like you’re glad to be with me now.”
Sometimes someone doesn’t know that they are in a sense burdening their present partner with stories from the past; and one doesn’t have to be in this role for too long before they tire of feeling like they are that person’s sounding board. Sometimes one has to say, “I love you, but if you are going to keep bitching or reminiscing about this person this much, then maybe you should get back together with him/her.” Oddly enough, this direct statement takes the person aback and often brings some awareness to the speaker who usually insists that getting back together is not what they have in mind.