Come on, would I lie to you?
Most deceivers have the best of intentions. A few, most certainly, don't. Either way, you want to know the truth. Is it possible?
Here's where a bit of common sense can do the trick. Just keep in mind, there's no single, foolproof sign that someone's lying. Not even shifty eyes. And it can be even tougher to recognize deceit online, when you can't hear a voice or see a face.
Even in cyberspace, though, you can find clues. In email and IM chats, look for generalizations and vague responses, increasing irrelevance and exaggeration, and lots of negatives. Those clues turn up in speech, too, so if you progress to telephone or VoIP, listen for them.
Other vocal signs may include hesitation, short answers, few errors in speech, and failure to pause and fill in forgotten or incorrect details. A liar's voice may sound tense or high-pitched.
If you're lucky enough to share a web-cam connection, you can gather visual clues. The only problem is, though researchers have observed plenty of signals that people may give off when they lie, not all liars display them. They could be perfectly natural behavior for a completely honest person (especially a nervous one), not signs of lying at all.
Still, nonverbal clues can tell you a lot. They're extremely hard to hide; most often, the liar is completely unaware of them. For instance, fear of detection, guilt, satisfaction, or even pleasure at putting one over on you usually flashes a split-second change of expression on the liar's face. That flicker of feeling is so fast, you may not recognize it.
Pay attention anyway. All of these small clues—tiny as they may be, and meaningless by themselves—add up. If you have a feeling somebody is lying to you or hiding something important, you may be right.
If they sound too good to be true . . . well, liars usually do. It's their job. So how do you put them out of business? A few things you can do:
- Ask questions. Ask very specific ones—about background, about work, about interests that the two of you share. Make notes. After a while, repeat yourself. Listen for discrepancies and contradictions. If any subject seems annoyingly vague and fuzzy, probe it. Gently, of course.
- Pay attention! Even something as ordinary as an email address can be revealing. Is the domain a business name? A university? A free account or a paid service? Does it match the signature? If your new penpal makes lots of grammar mistakes or misuses words, yet claims to be a teacher or maybe a grad student, stop and think. Pay attention!
- Exchange phone numbers. If your new friend calls or IMs you only at very odd hours—or is touchy if you call at perfectly reasonable ones—ask why.
- Ask for pictures that show your potential date in his (or her) natural habitat—emphasis on natural, as in not staged. You should be able to get a feeling from just a few if they seem real, faked, or borrowed from a hot-looking friend.
Finally, if you're truly bumfuzzled over whether to pursue a relationship (although if you have to ask, why in the world would you?), or if you're thinking about driving a few hundred miles or flying halfway around the world to shake hands (so to speak), you might want to avail yourself of a professional background check first.
Many services are available on the Internet. Many of them aren't worth their fees. But with a little due diligence, you should be able to choose a reputable one. Some of them offer fairly detailed personality profiling, as well . . . you know, in case you're considering marriage or something equally serious.
Not to worry, though, Just listen to your instincts. Be attentive, notice details, ask friendly questions, and enjoy the process of getting to know each other.
After all that, if you think you smell smoke, don't just hold your breath. Run!